I'm scared.
There are so many unanswered questions in my life that tonight I feel a bit overwhelmed. What is the meaning of life? Why were we placed on this planet? Is there such a thing as fate? I guess you could say that recent events have triggered this sense of anxiousness, and I feel that if things do not go the way I want them to I will have amounted to nothing in my twenty-two years of existence. Basketball has been my life since I first was able to hold a basketball in my hands. I've played since I was in 2nd grade, and have never taken a break. I know this blog is called "Away From The Hardwood" but bear with me, this post has more content then just basketball. I have gone through the ups, the downs, and everything in between. The abridged version... I now am leaving to play professional basketball in Paris, France for the next four years of my life.
Stop.
Last week I am lifting weights and dislocate my right shooting shoulder. I have already gone through 3 surgeries, and I do not plan of having a 4th. However, with the pain that I am experiencing when I do everyday activities is not promising. I'm hearing phrases like "torn rotator cuff" "torn labrum" "8-10 month recovery" and "MRI will reveal the damage." I don't know what to do. I hold out for the best of course, but it is different this time. I feel that someone or something out there is telling me that basketball is not my future. I call bullshit. I am the master of my universe, I am the captain of my soul, and I am the one who defines my future. Who the hell has the authority to dictate what I can and can't do in my life? I firmly believe you as an individual have the right and the authority to do what it is you want to do in this world as long as you are willing to work hard at it and don't take no for an answer. People who tell me, "God has a bigger plan for you Graham" or "Maybe this is a sign that basketball is not your calling" it makes me angry. Sure I appreciate the sympathetic comments, but I call those statements pitiful. I am a 6'9 240 pound athlete who has been playing sports since I could walk. If this injury is serious enough that I am told not to play anymore, I don't know what I will do with myself. I moved down to San Diego to train and get ready for the most exciting four years of my life. If I am injured and am told to have surgery, I will consider the move a waste. Honestly, I feel like I'm a waste.
I am lucky enough to have two loving parents who funded my trip down to San Diego. They are my two biggest fans and have supported every decision that I have made, however smart or dim-witted they may have been. All of that money, that moral support, would have been for nothing if this injury truly takes the game I love away from me. Now here come the questions folks: What do I do if basketball doesn't work out? I have never been a scholastic individual. And to be quite blunt I hate school. I hate how society places hoops in front of you in order to go places in the world. How jobs require you to have a college degree in order to make a decent living, or that when you actually go to school you have to take science or math classes when you want to study philosophy, psychology, or any other major that doesn't require the previously stated skills. However I do see the perks of higher education. Being at an institution for 4+ years shows commitment, it shows that you have the ability to go to class, learn material, take tests, and pass. But I also believe that there are so many students out there that memorize material, throw it up for tests, and then forget it within the next 4 months. Having a college degree doesn't make you better than anyone else, but it does show that you have the ability to go to a higher education institution for an extended period of time and learn skills that most people don't take the time to learn, and it does help you be a more knowledgeable individual. But then again I have seen college graduates with a degree in sociology, business, psychology, or education working at a Starbucks or a corporation that has NOTHING to do with the major they graduated with. It comes down to who you know, not what you know, and that's capitalism at its finest.
What do I do ladies and gentlemen? There are so many what ifs that it makes my head spin. Do I go back to school if Paris doesn't work out? Do I stay in San Diego, rehab, and try to get back into game shape and try again? I just don't know. Working at a minimum wage job 40 hours a week doesn't sound appealing to me at all, but there's the college degree card coming back and slapping me in the face. Don't wanna work at McDonals Graham, get a degree you dim wit.
I consider myself to be a charming person, I like to think that I treat people with respect. But a person's charm can only take them so far. Going into a job interview, they're not gonna say, "Wow Graham, you charmed the pants off me, we see that you don't have a college degree but that doesn't matter, you can tell a mean knock-knock joke so we're gonna go ahead and disregard the Harvard grad with a 3.8 GPA and a business degree. Here's 80 grand a year!" Not gonna happen folks. Sports is my life, sports is my opportunity, and if this doesn't work out I will be a 22 year old nobody who had an opportunity to play pro ball and blew it because my body couldn't take it. I wish I could travel the world, meet incredible people and find a job that paid me well enough that I could live and be happy, provide for my family, and retire at a reasonable age. And I have found that in this opportunity to play basketball. If it is taken away from me, I don't know what the hell I'll be able to do. Go home, live with my parents, work waiting tables, and go to a community college? I'm sorry, but I'd rather be in the military than live that life. And you know what I've thought about it. And it's a serious option. If basketball doesn't work out, I can join the Marines and travel the world that way. That way I am out of my parents way, I'm not wasting their money, and I don't have to worry about what my next step is going to be because someone is going to tell me what it is for me.
It's been a rough couple days folks. A lot of things are on my plate and the funny thing is, is that this whole thing is based on my MRI results next Wednesday. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't tell me that everything is going to be ok when it's not. I'm an athlete, it's all I've ever been good at. Imagine if you were in my position and you found out you couldn't play sports anymore, and then someone had the audacity to tell you, "It's all gonna be ok, you've got options." Options? What options. School, military, or working 40 hours a weak at a minimum wage job. Those are not options, those are necessary choices to keep your head above water.
Maybe I could fall off the map. Turn off my electronics, save up all my money and catch a bus somewhere where I could live in a one room shack on the beach. Who knows. I guess it will just hurt too much to know that if this basketball opportunity doesn't work out, I will be more of a burden to my parents then a blessing, no matter what kind of bull they feed me. Yes I'm their son, yes they love me, but it comes to a point where you gotta leave the nest and fly on your own. I just hope everything works out, because if it doesn't I don't want to have to deal with the questions.
This is G.S Moredock,
Goodnight everybody.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
L Is For The Way You Look At me
Evening folks,
It's been a while since I have updated my blog, but I have been so busy with life experiences and adventures that I really haven't had a chance to settle down and write. Finally, I have the chance to share some thoughts with you as I get ready for bed before my first day of work tomorrow!
Tonight, I want to talk about love. An interesting topic, is it not? We go through life searching for it, and yet sometimes when we find it we do not take it seriously. There are too many quotes out there about how "It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" or "All you need is love" but when we look at the facts love is and remains to be a science and an emotion that will never be able to be explained. In America the divorce rate is at 50%. We hear stories of husbands beating their wives, men and women cheating on their partners, and all of these horror stories about love and marriage. On the flip side, some of us are fortunate enough to have parents who stick together all the days of their lives, or we have siblings or friends who get married and have wonderful working marriages. What is it that makes love such an interesting topic!?
To quote the movie Wedding Crashers "Love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." Cheesy, yes. But, it has validity. We all know we can't help who we fall in love with, and I do believe that when you make eye contact with someone or meet someone in a crowded square, you can feel such an intense attraction that you have to go speak to them. As human beings, we crave attention and companionship. I have yet to meet someone who is comfortable being alone and without a partner in life. Sure, you can argue and say, "Hey, I don't need love because I have my parents who love me, my friends who love me, and that's all I need." I don't buy it. Not for a second. Speaking from experience, there is no better feeling in the world than looking into the eyes of a beautiful woman or man, saying, "I love you" and them saying, "I love you too." Having such strong feelings reciprocated is an amazing feeling.
For those who don't believe that love exists, or for those who believe that human beings are not monogamous, I ask you this. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, could you go through your entire life meeting and sleeping with tons of different women or men and at the end of the day lie down in your bed and say, "I can do this for the rest of my life." I don't think you can do it! Human companionship is such a strong emotion, people are naturally drawn to one another, to want to have friends or relationships so that we have someone to share our deepest thoughts and feelings with.
Being a 22 year old man, I miss the feeling of female companionship. I look around me everyday and see happy couples holding hands, kissing, going on walks together, and I wonder if I will ever find love again. My heart has been broken twice, but as I look back on those relationships however long on short they were, I learned from them. It is so hard for me to remain confident in the fact that I will meet my future wife someday. It's so easy for us to look in the mirror and say I'm too fat, I'm too tall, I'm too short, I have weird hair, etc. We verbally bash ourselves and it tears down our self-esteem and self-confidence. The opposite sex will be attracted to you for who you are, not for who you are not.
Even though I may have been rejected, shot down, been in failed relationships, been told "you're such a good friend, I don't want to ruin that," amongst all the other cliche lines, I still believe my Mrs. Right is out there. When will I find her? Who knows. But when I look at all the friends I have made, and all of my female friends and how beautiful they are, I have all the confidence in the world that maybe one day I won't get stuck in that friend zone.
So my friends, I end with this. If you are married or currently in a relationship, congratulations. I wish you all the best and hope for only good things to come into your life. If you are single with me, keep your heads up! Be confident in who you are, even if that means waking up in the morning and saying, "I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm desirable, and any woman/man would be lucky to be with me." If you have female or male friends and you are a member of the opposite sex, you obviously have the skill set to be friends with the opposite sex. Just be patient that someday you not only will find a friend, but a partner to walk the path of life with you. I just hope I find mine sooner rather than later ;)
Goodnight everybody,
G.S Moredock signing out.
It's been a while since I have updated my blog, but I have been so busy with life experiences and adventures that I really haven't had a chance to settle down and write. Finally, I have the chance to share some thoughts with you as I get ready for bed before my first day of work tomorrow!
Tonight, I want to talk about love. An interesting topic, is it not? We go through life searching for it, and yet sometimes when we find it we do not take it seriously. There are too many quotes out there about how "It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" or "All you need is love" but when we look at the facts love is and remains to be a science and an emotion that will never be able to be explained. In America the divorce rate is at 50%. We hear stories of husbands beating their wives, men and women cheating on their partners, and all of these horror stories about love and marriage. On the flip side, some of us are fortunate enough to have parents who stick together all the days of their lives, or we have siblings or friends who get married and have wonderful working marriages. What is it that makes love such an interesting topic!?
To quote the movie Wedding Crashers "Love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." Cheesy, yes. But, it has validity. We all know we can't help who we fall in love with, and I do believe that when you make eye contact with someone or meet someone in a crowded square, you can feel such an intense attraction that you have to go speak to them. As human beings, we crave attention and companionship. I have yet to meet someone who is comfortable being alone and without a partner in life. Sure, you can argue and say, "Hey, I don't need love because I have my parents who love me, my friends who love me, and that's all I need." I don't buy it. Not for a second. Speaking from experience, there is no better feeling in the world than looking into the eyes of a beautiful woman or man, saying, "I love you" and them saying, "I love you too." Having such strong feelings reciprocated is an amazing feeling.
For those who don't believe that love exists, or for those who believe that human beings are not monogamous, I ask you this. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, could you go through your entire life meeting and sleeping with tons of different women or men and at the end of the day lie down in your bed and say, "I can do this for the rest of my life." I don't think you can do it! Human companionship is such a strong emotion, people are naturally drawn to one another, to want to have friends or relationships so that we have someone to share our deepest thoughts and feelings with.
Being a 22 year old man, I miss the feeling of female companionship. I look around me everyday and see happy couples holding hands, kissing, going on walks together, and I wonder if I will ever find love again. My heart has been broken twice, but as I look back on those relationships however long on short they were, I learned from them. It is so hard for me to remain confident in the fact that I will meet my future wife someday. It's so easy for us to look in the mirror and say I'm too fat, I'm too tall, I'm too short, I have weird hair, etc. We verbally bash ourselves and it tears down our self-esteem and self-confidence. The opposite sex will be attracted to you for who you are, not for who you are not.
Even though I may have been rejected, shot down, been in failed relationships, been told "you're such a good friend, I don't want to ruin that," amongst all the other cliche lines, I still believe my Mrs. Right is out there. When will I find her? Who knows. But when I look at all the friends I have made, and all of my female friends and how beautiful they are, I have all the confidence in the world that maybe one day I won't get stuck in that friend zone.
So my friends, I end with this. If you are married or currently in a relationship, congratulations. I wish you all the best and hope for only good things to come into your life. If you are single with me, keep your heads up! Be confident in who you are, even if that means waking up in the morning and saying, "I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm desirable, and any woman/man would be lucky to be with me." If you have female or male friends and you are a member of the opposite sex, you obviously have the skill set to be friends with the opposite sex. Just be patient that someday you not only will find a friend, but a partner to walk the path of life with you. I just hope I find mine sooner rather than later ;)
Goodnight everybody,
G.S Moredock signing out.
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